Wednesday, August 01, 2001

there is nothing better than fishing all day long from the side of a boat and being beautifully kissed by the sun. I mean it. I am extremely tired though most of the day was pure relaxation. the sun, a high source of energy for most forces of life, sucked most of mine out. it was paradise or as close as I may come to it for awhile. I wished I was on the ocean, although the ocean would probably never be as clam as the waters were today. when we launched this morning, the lake was like shiny glass. so calm, and peaceful, the sun just beginning to peak out of the horizon. we got out our poles and mine was bated for me. I still don't have the nerve to touch those slimy worms and stick them through a hook. the key to fishing is patience. it's not as easy as you would think it would be. you can't be fooled by the movements of the water. sometimes you can feel the weight of the water pulling on your fishing rod, and you think that something is trying to take a nibble. But when you reel it in, it was nothing but your mind. sometimes you reel it in and you realize the water masked your bate being stolen, even if you were paying the closest of attention. the beauty of it all is so simple to me. a slight breeze ruffling your hair, the sound of the water hitting the drifting boat, and the sun. have you ever smelled skin after it has been washed by the sun? I will always be able to see how the only way that you could distinguish between the sky and the lake were their difference in shades of blue. the sky, light and hazy and the lake, deep and dark. it just feels so good, a day that lets you know how much you are alive. the brightness of the day and the exhaustion that follows. my skin feels tight and healthy and it still smells of the sun's rays.

Sunday, July 29, 2001

just when you think you are getting through to somebody, just when you think walls are starting to come down and bridges are being built, everything just stops. then it's nothing. pure nothing. this issue hasnt really been pressing my mind all that much. or if it has I have just pushed it out of my brain whenever it popped in. see, I'm not even really sure if I do care at all anymore. it's like I knew what was going to happen and just expected to get the worst. I should have known. it just goes to show that it wouldn't be right in the first place. from the start things would be so off key. I'd say "yea" and you'd say "no." you'd say "fast" and I'd say "slow."
the slant of this beginning, and it's everchanging turns, are results of the lacking, little propulsion and projection of effection, set in motion.


Saturday, July 21, 2001

sorry, sorry. I know that I haven't been as diligent as normal. not that I am normally. does anyone ever read this pathetic thing? um, no. sometimes I wish that it was read and that whoever read it understood or related to what I was saying. sometimes its just rambles of nothing. usually. anyway, so I started writing this really long like paragraph type thing in word one day when I couldn't connect to the internet and I really wanted to have my thoughts down semi-permanently. I think that I will copy and paste it one day into here just so that cyberspace can see. I'll say "see cyberspace." you know why I love music so much? it is constant. I mean the artists that I am listening to may change depending on mood and what my taste is at the present moment but basically it is constant. it is there when I want to drown out whatever. Mayer 's lyrics are so relative to my life. I can relate to feeling forlorn over love "or lack thereof." and what is the real world? I feel like I have been living in the real world my whole life. full of dull emotion sometimes. full of overwhelming emotion sometimes. there was never any dividing line that separated the real world with the fake.
so, in this situation that I am in what am I supposed to do? girl meets boy. girl and boy both seem to like each other. girl calls boy. boy says I'll call you back. boy is mute and doesn't know how to use a phone or so girl thinks. or what boy meant was that he would call back... someday. am I supposed to write out personal scented invitations with confetti inside for this event?? its a 2 person party and only one person shows up. some party. the beer was non-alcoholic, there was no stripper and even though the dip sucked you still ate it. all. it's like a double-edged sword too. you don't call enough, obviously you don't care. you call too much and suddenly you are attached. uh, no, I would just like to interact with another warm body, specifically male, and possibly sometime this century. conversation would be a big plus too. you would think that I was asking for Matthew McConaughey to come-a-knockin' on my door.

Sunday, July 08, 2001

I went to church today. I believe in God but I am not a holy roller if you know what I mean. The priest that we had today reminded me of Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller's day off. He played the teacher. ugh. I have never heard "May the Lord be with you" in a more monotone voice. Church would be so much more ineresting if the catholic church revamped the whole thing. It needs a make over something fierce. Incorporating some music into the mass wouldn't be such a bad thing. Maybe some voices and for God's sake a priest with a little enthusiam to spread the word. ( No pun intended. ) I think that is all that I have to say about that. I do think though that the key board to my computer is dying a little bit. It seems that it can't keep up with me. Maybe I am really a terrible typer and I just don't know it. I need a new book to read.

Friday, July 06, 2001

I have been enjoyng my time off, reflecting on things, life, my future and all of the things that I want to do. Let me tell you... it is a pretty long list and I hope that I will have enough time and energy and money to do everything. Right now, I feel like I just want to travel. I want to venture out and see the world. Happy 4th, by the way. I had a really fun one. Adrok and I went downtown and had some dinner and caught some fireworks in Delaware Park. I love fireworks. I am the biggest little kid sometimes. We had ice cream cones too, very enjoyable. I love that boy. Such fun. I got a job! WOO! At the Gap. Thank God finally. So, I want to go to Spain, really bad. That is one of the many places that I would love to visit in my lifetime. I am not going to Boston this summer like I had hoped. I don't know what I am going to do today. I think that I am just going to relax some more. When I was in the shower today I was thinking of all of these things that I could write about and now, I can't remember what I was thinking about. One thing was that I am thinking about buying a bongo, if it is not too expensive that is. It probably is. I think that it would be a fun thing to learn though. Notice how you like to learn something that isn't going to be forced upon you later. This summer is flying. I wish that it would break one of it's wings so that it would stay here longer.

Sunday, June 24, 2001

I went to Marci's last night with my crew. it was the best time. when I went to sleep the sun was just starting to come up. I haven't stayed out that late in awhile. it was great though just being downtown with all of its lights glowing bright and the buzz of all of the people down there. everyone was just out to have a good time. I saw his guy at the bar that we were at and amidst ll of the flashing lights and glitter I could still see his eyes. they were so bright and big and blue. so beautiful. and he really dark hair too. that has to be the sexiest combination, jet black hair and amazingly blue eyes. yum. unfortunately, I had no idea if he was straight or gay seeing as I was in a gay bar, even though I am straight. it was so much fun just dancing into the wee hours of the morning. I am really pissed that I didn't go up and talk to that guy though. he was really beautiful. not that looks are everything. well, I think that is all for now.

Sunday, June 17, 2001

I don't know how to flirt. I am a 20 year old female and I do not know how to do this. is that bad? hmm... maybe there is somewhere I can take lessons from. LOL.