Kaleidoscope

2001-08-01T22:12:00.000-04:00

there is nothing better than fishing all day long from the side of a boat and being beautifully kissed by the sun. I mean it. I am extremely tired though most of the day was pure relaxation. the sun, a high source of energy for most forces of life, sucked most of mine out. it was paradise or as close as I may come to it for awhile. I wished I was on the ocean, although the ocean would probably never be as clam as the waters were today. when we launched this morning, the lake was like shiny glass. so calm, and peaceful, the sun just beginning to peak out of the horizon. we got out our poles and mine was bated for me. I still don't have the nerve to touch those slimy worms and stick them through a hook. the key to fishing is patience. it's not as easy as you would think it would be. you can't be fooled by the movements of the water. sometimes you can feel the weight of the water pulling on your fishing rod, and you think that something is trying to take a nibble. But when you reel it in, it was nothing but your mind. sometimes you reel it in and you realize the water masked your bate being stolen, even if you were paying the closest of attention. the beauty of it all is so simple to me. a slight breeze ruffling your hair, the sound of the water hitting the drifting boat, and the sun. have you ever smelled skin after it has been washed by the sun? I will always be able to see how the only way that you could distinguish between the sky and the lake were their difference in shades of blue. the sky, light and hazy and the lake, deep and dark. it just feels so good, a day that lets you know how much you are alive. the brightness of the day and the exhaustion that follows. my skin feels tight and healthy and it still smells of the sun's rays.

2001-07-29T11:41:00.000-04:00

just when you think you are getting through to somebody, just when you think walls are starting to come down and bridges are being built, everything just stops. then it's nothing. pure nothing. this issue hasnt really been pressing my mind all that much. or if it has I have just pushed it out of my brain whenever it popped in. see, I'm not even really sure if I do care at all anymore. it's like I knew what was going to happen and just expected to get the worst. I should have known. it just goes to show that it wouldn't be right in the first place. from the start things would be so off key. I'd say "yea" and you'd say "no." you'd say "fast" and I'd say "slow."
the slant of this beginning, and it's everchanging turns, are results of the lacking, little propulsion and projection of effection, set in motion.

-emily

2001-07-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

sorry, sorry. I know that I haven't been as diligent as normal. not that I am normally. does anyone ever read this pathetic thing? um, no. sometimes I wish that it was read and that whoever read it understood or related to what I was saying. sometimes its just rambles of nothing. usually. anyway, so I started writing this really long like paragraph type thing in word one day when I couldn't connect to the internet and I really wanted to have my thoughts down semi-permanently. I think that I will copy and paste it one day into here just so that cyberspace can see. I'll say "see cyberspace." you know why I love music so much? it is constant. I mean the artists that I am listening to may change depending on mood and what my taste is at the present moment but basically it is constant. it is there when I want to drown out whatever. Mayer 's lyrics are so relative to my life. I can relate to feeling forlorn over love "or lack thereof." and what is the real world? I feel like I have been living in the real world my whole life. full of dull emotion sometimes. full of overwhelming emotion sometimes. there was never any dividing line that separated the real world with the fake.
so, in this situation that I am in what am I supposed to do? girl meets boy. girl and boy both seem to like each other. girl calls boy. boy says I'll call you back. boy is mute and doesn't know how to use a phone or so girl thinks. or what boy meant was that he would call back... someday. am I supposed to write out personal scented invitations with confetti inside for this event?? its a 2 person party and only one person shows up. some party. the beer was non-alcoholic, there was no stripper and even though the dip sucked you still ate it. all. it's like a double-edged sword too. you don't call enough, obviously you don't care. you call too much and suddenly you are attached. uh, no, I would just like to interact with another warm body, specifically male, and possibly sometime this century. conversation would be a big plus too. you would think that I was asking for Matthew McConaughey to come-a-knockin' on my door.

2001-07-08T21:56:00.000-04:00

I went to church today. I believe in God but I am not a holy roller if you know what I mean. The priest that we had today reminded me of Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller's day off. He played the teacher. ugh. I have never heard "May the Lord be with you" in a more monotone voice. Church would be so much more ineresting if the catholic church revamped the whole thing. It needs a make over something fierce. Incorporating some music into the mass wouldn't be such a bad thing. Maybe some voices and for God's sake a priest with a little enthusiam to spread the word. ( No pun intended. ) I think that is all that I have to say about that. I do think though that the key board to my computer is dying a little bit. It seems that it can't keep up with me. Maybe I am really a terrible typer and I just don't know it. I need a new book to read.

2001-07-06T13:35:00.000-04:00

I have been enjoyng my time off, reflecting on things, life, my future and all of the things that I want to do. Let me tell you... it is a pretty long list and I hope that I will have enough time and energy and money to do everything. Right now, I feel like I just want to travel. I want to venture out and see the world. Happy 4th, by the way. I had a really fun one. Adrok and I went downtown and had some dinner and caught some fireworks in Delaware Park. I love fireworks. I am the biggest little kid sometimes. We had ice cream cones too, very enjoyable. I love that boy. Such fun. I got a job! WOO! At the Gap. Thank God finally. So, I want to go to Spain, really bad. That is one of the many places that I would love to visit in my lifetime. I am not going to Boston this summer like I had hoped. I don't know what I am going to do today. I think that I am just going to relax some more. When I was in the shower today I was thinking of all of these things that I could write about and now, I can't remember what I was thinking about. One thing was that I am thinking about buying a bongo, if it is not too expensive that is. It probably is. I think that it would be a fun thing to learn though. Notice how you like to learn something that isn't going to be forced upon you later. This summer is flying. I wish that it would break one of it's wings so that it would stay here longer.

2001-06-24T15:43:00.000-04:00

I went to Marci's last night with my crew. it was the best time. when I went to sleep the sun was just starting to come up. I haven't stayed out that late in awhile. it was great though just being downtown with all of its lights glowing bright and the buzz of all of the people down there. everyone was just out to have a good time. I saw his guy at the bar that we were at and amidst ll of the flashing lights and glitter I could still see his eyes. they were so bright and big and blue. so beautiful. and he really dark hair too. that has to be the sexiest combination, jet black hair and amazingly blue eyes. yum. unfortunately, I had no idea if he was straight or gay seeing as I was in a gay bar, even though I am straight. it was so much fun just dancing into the wee hours of the morning. I am really pissed that I didn't go up and talk to that guy though. he was really beautiful. not that looks are everything. well, I think that is all for now.

2001-06-17T22:31:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to flirt. I am a 20 year old female and I do not know how to do this. is that bad? hmm... maybe there is somewhere I can take lessons from. LOL.

2001-06-12T21:56:00.001-04:00

Love Song for No One
staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof

after all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

searching all my days to find you
not sure what I'm looking for
I'll know where
when I see you

until then I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
a love song
for no one

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me
I know you'll be so good
for me
for me

2001-06-12T21:56:00.000-04:00

am I living it right? good question john, good question. am I having a quarter life crisis? I have been thinking a lot today. I can't say what exactly because it has been a jumble of everything. it's not easy to pinpoint but I am emotional. sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way that you want it to. it seems more often than not. I guess you just gotta deal. that is all I have to say about that.

2001-06-07T11:04:00.000-04:00

still jobless... yesterday I communed with nature. I did some gardening with my mom which was much harder work than I thought that it would be. the sun is shining today. yay! it is the first nice day around here in a while. it has been raining like crazy. I got my hair cut yesterday too.... real short.... but I love it. so much easier to take care of like this. I haven't really done anything exciting. in fact, my summer is turning out like I didn't want it to. I think once I have a job things will get rolling. I am going to go lay in the sun but I will leave you with a link to look at. I think that I finallly figured out how to leave one. you must, must, must, check out john mayer. he is fantastic. amazing music. I wish that he was coming closer to western new york. the closest is cleveland, which is only about 3 and a half hours away, but my car is not that reliable.

2001-06-02T17:29:00.000-04:00

yesterday, my mom, sister and I were cleaning out our garage in preparation for a garage sale. I found my Papa's old movie projector and all of these old movie reels of my parent's wedding and trips that my grandparents made to California. I wanted to try it out but my mom thought that it didn't work. it was so amazing though and I got it to work. my mom and I sat upstairs crying watching these old movies. my grandparents were so young and I miss them incredibly. they were like surrogate parents and I only hope to be as loving as they were. I loved the quality of the film. I loved the way the film projected on the wall of the spare room upstairs. I loved how it flickered and the sound that the projector made. mostly, I loved the times and people that were captured. maybe it's silly. but it was beautiful. just sitting there in that room, watching with no sound and just imagining myself there. it inspired me to want to make a movie of my own. but I want to use 8mm film and find an old camera so that it can be watched with Papa's projector. I absolutely love the texture and feeling that you get from watching films like that. so simple. I went to the movies last night too which was a totally different experience in itself. the cinematography was amazing but I still like the old fashioned way more. probably because they were simple.

2001-05-31T12:27:00.000-04:00

so, the last time that I tried to update, this thing wasn't working. that is the reason for the "testing." then, after the test I went to update again and I lost my internet connection. damn modems. I do miss that about school, the 24 hour internet connection. I still need a job. this whole trying to get one in a hospital thing is a pain. I drove out to Mercy to see what I could find and it was annoying just to drive all the way out there. it is seeming to me too much like a real job and I want to have fun this summer. so, I think I am just giving up and am goign to go work at Target or Old Navy. sounds like fun and their are young people there. I just want to work somewhere that is not actually like working. have fun. I am sure you have read enough about next summer. basically there is no next summer. I'll be working my arse off while everyone else is barhopping and laying in the sun. I wish that Guster would have a damn rep show this summer. that is all that I wanted to do, all that I asked for this summer. plus, I want to go to Boston. I want to go anywhere that is not here for a little while. I sound so pessimistic today. really, I am not. I got like 12 hours of sleep last night, which I haven't gotten in a long time. I went to bed at 11:30. I haven't gone to bed that early in a while. I feel great though. I think that I am feeling a little pissed off because I got my grades and my GPA wasn't as high as I thought that it would be. don't get me wrong, it's high. I just thought that I deserved higher for the amount of work that I did. this one stupid professor pisses me off the most. she was probably the worst professor I have ever had and her class was so simple but she graded like a jackass. we did group projects and she would write the same thing on our papers every fucken time. yet when we went up to her to ask how to improve, she had nothing to say. argh. ah well, nothing that I can do about it now. I am just going to relax and enjoy the summer. hopefully things will go my way.

2001-05-28T23:32:00.000-04:00

testing.

2001-05-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

so, I am home now, not at school. it's nice to be home. I needed a break from everything. tonight I went to Thursday in the Square and I saw the Mighty Mighty Bosstones for free. another great Boston band. I only know the songs that they play on the radio but it was still a very good show. I can' t complain. it was free. it was a good show though not just because it was free. everyone was dancing and there was a huge pit. it was great. mmm summer. The Sheila Devine is coming to Thursday in the Square and The Push Stars are coming with them so that should be a good one. Pat Benatar is coming too. definitely going to go see those ones. it is amazing what some girls will do to get attention, what people in general will do. these girls were sitting on people's shoulders (at the show tonight) and they proceded to flash the crowd, bare chested. to put it bluntly, how disgusting. they basically degraded themselves right there in front of everybody. and women wonder why they are victims of violence. I know no one asks to be a victim of anything but with behavior like that, it's no wonder men think it is ok to harass or assault women. it's mind boggling.
hmmmm. to end on something happy... I am singing for two graduations at my college this weekend and I am getting paid for it, so I guess you could say that as a singer, this is my first paid gig. fun times.

2001-05-21T00:56:00.000-04:00

I want this to be forum where not only can I share events that happen to me, but where I can express my feelings etc. I hope that it is somewhat *entertaining.* perhaps, insightful, silly, clumsy, dorky. however this is percieved, I hope that it is enjoyed.
I didn't really accomplish too much today. I went to the lilac festival with zak and his fam, ate a "hawiian ice" which is the modern day snow cone I guess. everything is getting upgraded, why not upgrade the snowcone too?! it was kind of funny.... we went to a lilac festival but all that we did was walk around and look at the vendors that had set up little tents. I think I saw some lilacs in the distance. ironic? it was great though, to be outside and not stuck indoors. for the first time it hit me that it was summer and that I won't have to use my brain for any strenuous activity for a while. : ) I can spend time thinking about useless information. which is probably pretty useful actually.
earlier tonight, I was sitting on the couch in my apartment and I realized just how much I have grown as a person and just how far I have come. life is so precious. have you ever just had moments where you realize these things? I know that some people don't and I feel lucky that I am a person who knows what has been given to me. I get to create for myself a place in the world. this huge, gigantic world. I have learned that I can overcome any card that life has to deal to me. maybe I am late in learning this lesson, but better late than never. (I'm only 20 so it can't be that late.) forge ahead. go to the matresses. do whatever it takes and you can overcome. is that naive? I don't think so. we have to be realistic about our goals though. I'm getting all philosophical here. I had to type slower to spell that. phili... no... phila... no philOsophical. duh. I may have still spelled it wrong. sometimes, I am not realistic. I know that and I bet you have seen some of that. behind the fantasy, lies the reality. so true for many things in life. there is nothing wrong with a little magic and imagination as long as your head stays on your shoulders. another good thing I see, is that I still have more growing to do. we all do in this big bad world that we live in. it'll be a lifelong ordeal, which is fine by me. it makes life that much more real and emotional.

2001-05-19T11:57:00.000-04:00

I have discovered internet radio. what a concept! it's amazing. tuneto.com is awesome. I found out about it through awaremusic.com. the aware radio kicks ass. they play some fantastic artists and I don't have to listen to the crap on regular radio stations. I wish I had known about this earlier. I wouldn't have been struggling with napster. if you haven't already, try it out. I feel like I am advertising (lol) but this is definitely worth it. rok on!

2001-05-18T21:07:00.000-04:00

drink wine. whenever you feel yourself getting a cold, drink wine. I'm drinking chardonnay. I was feeling like crap before and now I feel ok. I mean, despite the fact that I am completely exhausted. I tried sleeping but that didn't work. usually I can fall asleep in a blink but not today. it can be any wine. merloz. whatever. perhaps the wine is masking the symptoms that I was having before... scratchy throat, sneezing, stuffy head, drippage of lovely mucus into my throat. mmm. I know that wine has lots of vitamin C, which is very good for the immune system. important for your body when fighting foreign particles. there is no cure for the common cold, but wine sure does help. the cure. good band. very good band. mmmm.

2001-05-17T00:41:00.000-04:00

well, someone wise once said... procrastination is like masterbation. it's all fun and games until you realize you are f&*%ing yourself. I think I am screwing myself right now. I should be studying but I just can't sit myself down to do it. I am basically DONE on friday and it's killing me. I am usually very good about this but I can't sit still and my mind keeps wandering onto topics that are not very important. they will be important on friday when everything else is over. what am I thinking about? well, all that I want to do over the summer. oh the freedom that I will have. hopefully. for photography, music, friends, roadtrips, biking, reading REAL books, not textbooks. (not that textbooks aren't real books, you know what I mean.) just time for me to do any and everything. I want a new job. I have an ideal one in mind but it is a little far fetched. I don't wanna share cuz you might laugh. ok a hint: working somehow for an awesome band. there I said it. I would do anything ( well almost.) I would even clean their toilets with a toothbrush. hmmmm maybe not that. I guess I just want to get out and explore life. meet people. do something that isn't what I have been doing. do something that I want to do. even a small something. a half hour has gone by. gotta jet.

2001-05-16T19:15:00.000-04:00

I can't even describe the events that happened today. lol. weird shit. I'm studying for microbiology now. doh!

2001-05-14T18:52:00.000-04:00

there was some trouble with posting over this thing over the weekend so you might have missed an entry...
my roommate made an " I Love You" sign for her boyfriend. cute. it was really cute actually. the best part is what it was made out of...
blue poster board was the background. then the actual words were made out of thin salted matzos which were elmer's glued on. then for some color, she painted the matzos with pink shinny nail polish and there was a heart in the corner. it was the funniest yet cutest thing. it was appropriate because he is jewish. hee hee. fun story. I am eating some matzo right now. it really doesn't taste too bad, but it really doesn't have too much of a taste. good though. I think I want more. mmmm.

P.S. I conquered organic chem. yes, I kicked Dr. Turner's ass ( in an academic sense) thanks to some help and some major studying.

2001-05-12T13:29:00.000-04:00

is it terribly horrible that as a soon-to-be college third year I really have no desire to go out and drink myself into oblivion? I like to go out, and social drinking is fine. it just baffles me, why do people subject themselves to a drunken state every weekend or for some people everyday? don't get me wrong, I do like to partake every once in a while. but, I don't really like not being in control of my body. just my feelings on the subject. I was just thinking about it last night. I went out just not to drink.
anyways, I can't stand the radio too much anymore. maybe it is just the fact that I am always hearing the same 10 songs all the time. there are some decent radio stations here like the Buzz which plays classic 80's all the time. I like that one. so, if you are constantly looking for new music to listen to like I am you should check out awaremusic.com or check out the awarestore.com. there are tons and tons of amazing artists there. all different kinds to quench your varying musical thrist. I am listening to Dispatch right now... Steeples. mmmm. good stuff. others I urge you to check out... Pat McGee Band, Jump, Little Children. tons. if I listed them all, this entry would be unending. check it out for yourself.
one week of studying left and I am done for this year.
peace.

2001-05-09T17:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know what it is with me and showtunes lately but today while sitting outside I started to sing "Doe, a dear." from The Sound of Music. it was in the courtyard of our apartment complex and it was loud. 'nother random spurt.

2001-05-08T20:57:00.000-04:00

it has been raining all day and while walking to zak's car I could see my reflection in the street. it was still raining slightly and I kept walking as if I could detach the reflection from my feet. you know, like walking faster to see if it could walk as fast as I was. it's a reflection, silly. then I suddenly felt like singing "On My Own" from the musical Les Miserables. especially the part that goes "in the rain, that pavement shines like silver, all the lights are misty in the river...." hee hee. so I sang that really loud in the parking lot. I was having a random spurt of hyperness. it was fun. zak and I sang really loud to the radio all the way home. fun times.

2001-05-08T00:45:00.000-04:00

this is a quick one for zak....

pufff...................................................

2001-05-07T18:46:00.000-04:00

what am I doing? I am waiting for my water to boil so that I can make pasta in hopes of sometime today eating it.
what am I listening to? Magazine by Jump, Little Children
what do I plan to do later? organic chemistry. dr. turner is my nemesis. must study so that I can kick her ass and get an A in the course.
who do I plan to do later? hee hee, no one. honest!

I'll be right back... hafta check the water...........so close to a boil.... it's more like a quiet simmer right now. oh good song... cathedrals. I was walking back to my apartment today and I could smell the scent of the flowers that were growing on a tree. mmmm spring. smells so good. I love in the fall when the air is really crisp and you can smell woodburning fireplaces. I love spring also because it leads into summer whereas fall leads into winter. not that I don't like winter but spring and summer has so much more sun and I love the sun! everyone's faces are becoming all rosy, tanned and sun-kissed. OH the water..... ragin' boil! the pasta is in. am I making you hungry? I'm sorry. I know I am hungry. anyway, so spring is great. school is almost over, which is awesome but scary in a sense. I am going to have to be really responsible soon. completely responsible, not quasi-responsible. I am excited to get into the real world and get out of this bubble. you know, people say that college is supposed to be more realistic. in some ways, yes. but, I still feel like we are all protected in this force field that doesn't let too much in. maybe it's because I don't have a car and I don't get to get out much. lol. or maybe it is just that, we are all still safe to the dangerous outside called real life....

2001-05-06T15:49:00.000-04:00

dude... have you ever had days where you are so incredibly irritable? well, today is one of those days for me. I don't feel like talking, I just want to do what I have to do and be done with it. BAH! for the love of god.

2001-05-04T12:28:00.000-04:00

have I kept you on the edge of your seats just waiting for another update? no, haha. well yesterday I had a wonderful time relaxing in the rays of the glorious sun. I have a nice tan too. woo! I realized that I haven' been keeping up with the music scene. first, I had no idea that joey ramone died until yesterday! moment of silence.....
second, the sheila devine released "where have my countrymen gone?" and I had no idea about that either. this is why I can't wait for summer... I won't have to think about organic chemistry and I can keep up with and do things that I miss out on during the school year. I have had this urge to just do something random over the summer. like take a nice long road trip. perhaps I could go to eeasturn keentuckiee and catch "the peace soldiers" and their overgrown mullets. that would be a treat. I don't think half of you know what I am talking about but it's ok. if not a road trip than I want to get me a sweet job. something that pays well and is something that I want to do. riiiigghttt... I am sure I will end up counting pills in the pharmacy again.... now that's my dream job. one valium for you.... two for me. simmer down... i'm kidding, usually the pharmacist just deals us some fun prescription drugs to play with free of charge. kidding again. ( with a southern accent) don git yer pannies ina twist! i'm off for now. gotta finish a paper and then i'm going to monroe ave. to do some shopping and to stop at the sal val and look for some deals.

2001-05-02T13:21:00.000-04:00

maybe this isnt something I should be sharing but I thought that it was quite funny. I woke up this morning and I was feeling a little sad I guess... sometimes when I am blow-dryng my hair I turn on the tv just so I dont get bored. today I thought that I would watch the maury povitch show. there were these midgets on the show and they were youg girls who were talking about how they aren't really different from anyone else. and they wanted to sing this song for the audience that this country artist named mark wills sings. as it turned out, maury got the country artist to come to the show and sing and the girls were just so touched. i cried. LOL. it was cute and sweet and all but normally that wouldn't make me tear. that's how you can tell that you are pmsing. emotions. hee hee. I'm not a wreck so don't freak out. :-P I felt better though.
I think that I am going to try to figure out how to fancy this page up a bit. maybe have my own webpage or something to connect this to. the plain white background just isnt doing it for me. this weekend i will play with my wedcam/digital camera and see if I can get a few random pictures up.

2001-05-02T01:22:00.000-04:00

so... this is me... the raw unedited version. I'll just jump in with something random. have you ever wanted something very badly? of course you have. you are human. I hope. I am the type who either wants something so badly or builds it up in her mind that once you get it, it isn't anything that I thought that it would be. not all the time. that statement could scare some people. whew. this isn't as easy as I thought that it would be. I can see how the Gusters must find it hard to find something interesting during a day to write about for random people to read. I am talking about the journal that Guster keeps on their website. www.guster.com check it out. did you think that I wouldn't say something about them or something about music? HA! I shouldnt complain when the journal updates are crappy....
have I mentioned that this isn't as easy as I thought it would be? perhaps I could occupy your eyes with an original poem written by yours truly. I think it may be a little too early for that. Or how about we just leave it here for now. I can't tell you all about myself in one sitting. It takes time my friends... time. Not too shabby for my first time eh? Writing that is. Don't get any dirty ideas. Oh, and I created a new email addy just cuz I wanted to... rokitship4@hotmail.com send me something if you want... but NO PORN... alright well a little never hurt anyone (kidding, relax.)